SEX

A whole lot has been said about sex. A whole lot has been said about men and sex; and yet for some reason I am standing up in front of you believing that there is a need for something more to be said. What is it that I have to say? Well, before I say that let me say a few other things.

There is no silver bullet, no one succinct statement for a theological anthropology on any topic, especially sex. Meaning there is no way to say everything about what one believes about God, Creation, the Origin of Man, the mystery of the spiritual union of sex, and all of the ways we have missed it in one fell swoop.

Second, this discussion on male sexuality is based on a perspective based on Christian belief and Biblical text. It is a “theological” study of sexuality; it is a willingness to have faith inform our sexuality. Sexuality is not just sex, but for the vast majority of men it is sex that we wrestle with. We can have a conversation about sexuality and masculinity with women in the room. My hope is to have the dialogue that is most appropriate when is just for men.

Third, I am no expert on sex. My introduction to sexuality, or at least my first kiss which counts for some level of introduction, was at my senior prom. Which by itself puts me in some of your minds as a “late bloomer”; but the fact that when I regained my composure to prepare for the second kiss I thought, “what would the Karate Kid do?” confirms that. Finally, I grew up in the church and for over 20 years was taught, convinced, and obsessed that sexuality should be treated like fire. It was dangerous, you could get burned, if you ever got too close you should “stop, drop, and roll”, and the clearest instruction I remember was simply “don’t touch” - which I did not. The irony is that I was a pyro through most of my adolescence, playing with fire. I kept clear of sex, but I burned down a field - set a trash can at the Aurora Mall on fire - and almost started a forest fire. So I played with fire, but I didn’t play with myself.

If you’re wondering if I am going to talk about masturbation since I said “I didn’t play with myself” l will go ahead and tell you yes I am. I will be as honest as I can about everything I can because I don’t think fear of sex has ultimately helped anyone. And someone needs to start telling the truth about this stuff and I’ve got nothing to lose in doing so. So, I may not be the expert, and I can’t say everything about it, and a whole lot has been said already… but I believe there are a few things that need to be said. I believe the church needs to say something specifically to men about sex. So here goes

ONE FLESH

1 Corinthians 6. The opening line of verse 12 was written thousands of years ago, and it couldn’t be any more relevant., “I have the right to do anything.” The thought of most men’s mind about sex. It’s my body. I can do what I want or who I want. Paul’s first response is, “but not everything is beneficial”. Not everything is beneficial. What’s not beneficial about sex? It would seem nothing if sex is physiological act that that just releases sperm and endorphins.

Verse 13 continues. Why not look at it like food? Paul continues “food for the stomach, stomach for food, it is just a body, it is going to die”. Paul’s response is that our body, specifically in regards to sex, our body, those of us who choose to follow Christ, is not like food, it is not for us to decide or define. “For it is said, ‘The two will become one flesh.’” The text that Paul is quoting is Genesis 2.

What you believe about where you came from, who you came from matters. In my opinion what needs most to be said about sexuality is what God says. “The two will become one flesh.” The text is not just a metaphor. In sexual intercourse, the only other state is pregnancy, it is difficult to tell where one person’s body stops and another body starts. “One flesh” is not only the design of God for human beings, it is His desire.

God, the creator of our bodies, the One who makes human beings as male or female, creates us to not only come together to procreate, but to engage in a spiritual union. Sex is a part of His creation. “One flesh” is not just a physical act, not endorphins or a rush of blood to the head, not even feeling “in love” with the person whose body you are in. “One flesh” is a holistic union designed by God between a man and a woman. One flesh is defined in one context. One man and one woman becoming one flesh. One flesh is as much a spiritual mystery as physical fact.

BODY

But within the church we can overemphasize the “spiritual” nature of sexuality and dismiss the obvious physical nature of our sexuality. I remember once in middle school filling out a form that listed name, date of birth, then there was a line that said SEX. I wrote “NO”. I was answering the question I thought was most important.

Our bodies, the sexual nature of them, has historically been one of the greatest tensions in the Christian faith. It is one of the major emphasis in Paul’s writings because of a sect within those who taught the teachings of Christ who wanted to separate the physical from the spiritual. The term for that line of thinking was Gnosticism; which seems to hang around, even a few thousand years later. We are uncomfortable with the tension that our bodies, our sexual beings create.

St. Francis of Assisi called his body, “Brother Ass.” He said you body is your brother, but it can behave like an ass. The danger of separating yourself, of seeing your body as your enemy is that you dismiss the beauty and mystery of God’s creation. Our bodies, our sexuality, are not a “yes” or “no” question. They are, “brother ass”. They are the closest friend, they will accompany us for every day of our journey here; and they can be our nemesis, cause us frustration and pain.     

 “In sexual sin we violate the sacredness our own bodies, these bodies that were made for God-given and God-modeled love, for “becoming one” with another. Or didn’t you realize that your body is a sacred place?” 1 Corinthians 6, The Message

Didn’t you realize your body is a sacred place? No in fact. I missed that. At 5’3” 95lbs. as a senior in high school “sacred” was not how any girl described my body. It has been in the last few months that I have come to see my body as my friend. Every body is a good body because within it holds the mystery of life, the potential for intimacy, love, and sacrifice.

Here is something that needs to be said. Stop treating sexuality as an unspeakable, unstoppable enemy. It is a part of who we are, it is not the whole of who we are. Your sexuality does not define you. Something I learned from my friends at WGA. Any term that uses your sexuality to define you is granting your sexuality more credit than it deserves. When we separate our sexuality from our selves we make an idol out of it. Our sexuality, like anything created by God has the risk of being caught in a cross-fire between people who make an idol out of it and those who think that more rules will keep them from it becoming an idol.

IDOL

Lewis Smedes in his book Sex for Christians writes; ”It is simple to make an idol, just slice one piece of created reality off from the whole and expect miracles from it.” This is the reality of sexuality. We expect miracles from it. And we worship it like and idol that will give us something or make us someone. Or we fear it like a god that punishes us.

When we attempt to remove part of creation from the whole we create an idol, which acts like any idol does – it demands more and more and gives less and less. And for some reason men seem to be historically the gender that separates, elevates, and ultimately destroys the gift of sexuality.

In almost every culture men have elevated the sex to a point of idol worship. The phrase “women want everything from one man – men want one thing from every woman” is not too far from off of a complete history of man. Men have mastered worship of sex. It gets far too much attention, far too much credit, far too much power.

Sex has become the god that girls sacrifice their physical health to; and men willingly lay down their intellect and integrity at the alter of sexuality. Sex is talked about everywhere, seen anywhere, joked about with anyone. It has ceased to be a part of the mystery of God’s creation and has become something you can buy at any 7-11. We treat sexuality as a trinket, a toy, an idol that we can play with, joke with, and flirt with. We will give anything to get and give it to anyone. 

We need to stop our worship of sex. Which is why as soon as Paul quotes about the way sex was intended to be he remembers how messed up it has become and says in verse 18, “Flee from sexual immorality.”

PORNEIA

What is “sexual immorality”? The Greek word is “porneia”. Sound familiar? It is where we get our word pornography. It is found 55 times in the NT, and is translated as lust, adultery, fornication, prostitution, and marital unfaithfulness. It is every way we mess up “one flesh”. Men have a propensity for “porneia”, for sexual immorality, for messing this thing up. How?

First, with sex. The only context in which sex is described in Scripture as “one flesh”, the design and desire of God is a man and a woman in the commitment of marriage. You can argue about the details, in fact you can even dismiss it as traditional, fundamental, and impossible; but Scripture places sex within the context of marriage alone. Outside of that commitment sex with anyone, anywhere, anytime is described as “porneia”.

The liability for married men is we assume that as long as we are not “doing it” with someone other than our wife than we aren’t doing anything wrong. Jesus constantly was confronting and challenging this type of thinking. To the married men in the room, or to the men in the room who at some point plan to be married and have sex with your wife, here are 3 things to remember:

1.    Sex within marriage does not automatically make it “good’. There are a lot of ways to do what God designed in the context of a marital relationship in incredibly unhealthy ways. Specifically when what God has designed to unite is used to divide or dominate.

2.    Sex is to be enjoyed, not performed. It is not the place where you are to define your masculinity. Your masculinity is in what kind of man you are 23 hours and 50 minutes of the day.

3.    We are told that our sexual prime is 16-20, which if you were a virgin when you get married like me at 28 you question if you missed your best sex. Let me offer one of the best thoughts I have found on sex. Your genital prime, meaning when your physical body is at it’s peak for sex may be 16-20, but your sexual prime, meaning when both of you are secure, confident, and whole enough, is probably at least a decade if not two later. It is men who are 30 and 40 who experience true sexual union with a woman. The design and desire of God for this sexual union with a woman, this “one flesh”, does not magically show up in a one night stand. It is discovered after years of intimacy, walking roads of joy and pain, and is a glimpse of what Adam and Eve felt not just physically but wholly in the Garden. “they were naked and felt no shame.” 

There are other ways men mess it up. Let’s talk about pornography. The Bible doesn’t say porn, it talks about lust. “each of you should learn to control your own body in a way that is holy and honorable, not in passionate lust like the pagans, who do not know God.” 1 Thessalonians 4.5

Porn makes bodies bodies, rather than real people with real souls. It is one of the oldest tricks in the book, but it still works. The irony… we don’t really need anyone to take off their clothes for us; we can do that in our head. But not only do we look at a women and lust, we are lazy. And porn is the laziest, least masculine way to lust. I can say that because I know.

The first time I looked at a woman without clothes on was my wedding night. After close to two years of marriage I looked at another woman for the first time; on a computer screen late night after coming home from TNL. Jennifer was asleep, I wondered if you could actually feel something with only a digital image. I had counseled dozens of men and heard about their struggles with it. I honestly did not understand until I looked for the first time. And porn makes lust easy. The lie is that the person you are looking at is looking back. The lie is that what you feel is not only lust, but life, a sense of escape and virility. It is all a lie – and it doesn’t matter if the girl is on a computer screen, magazine, movie screen or stage. It doesn’t matter if it is even a girl. It is whispering a lie that you want to hear, that you are desired and wanted, that you are a man. The best advice is written verse 18 “Flee porneia”.

Since we are talking about porn we might as well talk about masturbation too. The two seem to go hand in hand. Nothing said about it explicitly in Scripture so it isn’t in the top 10 of God’s concerns. Your pride that keeps you from acknowledging your need for grace or your self centered nature that keeps you from serving others seem to be much more important to Him. But what is masturbating? It is a release without a relationship. Lust may not a pre-requisite but it is not too far away. I’m not here to argue against it but I can say it is not the design of God for sex, for “one flesh”.

Self-control is a natural outgrowth, a “fruit”, of being in a relationship with God. Self-control is about not speeding and not cursing as much as not masturbating. Anxiety and attention on not doing it can be as unhealthy as admitting the desire to do it, choosing to, and then getting on with the important things in life. If it one of the important things in life I would say you may want to reexamine your top 10 with God’s.

Our sexuality should be treated like our little sister or our elderly mother. We should protect it and honor it. There is an entire book dedicated to correctly guarding, valuing, and enjoying sex in the Bible. The book is the Song of Songs, it is a song of a siren. It is a book about “one flesh”, the pursuit and intimacy of sexual union about a man and his wife. What is said over and over, more than anything else about sex in this “sex manual”?

 “Do not arouse or awaken love until it so desires.” Song of Songs 8.4,

Your sexual desire should be protected. Not feared or shamed, locked away in the closet, but guarded because of the intimate nature and incredible impact it can have.

SEX ISN’T EVERYTHING

End with a talk about sexuality by saying that sex, the physical act, isn’t everything. It is not the “Holy Grail” that you should spend your life attempting to grasp. It is not worth losing you soul for.

Paul says in the very next section of his letter “I wish all of you were as I, single, not worried about pleasing his wife, able to focus more on God’s Kingdom. But some have this gift and some have that.” We as the Protestant Church have historically missed the gift of celibacy. If the Roman Catholic Church has potentially made too much of celibacy and it’s place in God’s Kingdom, we have too often made far too little. Celibacy is a gift that should be as honored and celebrated as any marriage vow.

Jesus spoke rarely on the topic of sex but did after talking about the difficulties of marriage and divorce answer a question to his followers with an answer I believe is essential for us in a sexually obsessed culture to hear in Matthew 19.11-12.

A eunuch is a man incapable of sexual reproduction. But Jesus offers that there is more than one reason why people would not have sex. There are those who are born that way, something biological; there are those who are made that way, something cultural or mental or emotional; and there are those who choose to not have sex because of the Kingdom, something spiritual. He says not everybody gets this, but some need to, and some will.

It is ironic that I am teaching on Valentines Day to a group of guys about sex. But probably more than ironic it is a picture of redemption and grace. I lived in fear of sex for over two decades, I spend the last few years of my marriage fascinated by my own destruction. I can tell you it is all too easy to lose sight of what is important. But because of grace I can stand up here and tell you at 32 I think sex is a wonderful, beautiful, mysterious part of God’s creation and if I never have it again God is big enough and great enough to fulfill every piece of who I am without it. My prayer is that we begin to say what God says about sex. That it is His idea, not ours.